MISTIE LAYNE :
AUTHOR, SPEAKER, TALK SHOW HOST, FOUNDER
Copyright Mistie Layne
Fly Hummingbird, Fly
My first grandbaby, Eliana, was born 9/18/2016, twelve years to the day I killed somebody in a car wreck. I had gone from medical school to prison behind a horrific accident that occurred during my ten-year addiction to cocaine. I rebuilt my life, rebuilt trust, regained my confidence, and set out to live a new life without cocaine. What happened to me twelve years into this new life was unexpected, not sought after, but certainly a blessing in disguise. Because my daughter’s due date was the same, I thought God was replacing life with the life I felt I had stolen and it would somehow reduce the grief and pain I suffered through year after year.
Consequently, her birth became so very much more and was what catapulted me into TRANSPARENCY and gave me the courage to release my life story in my book, What Goes Up. I wrote my book in jail while awaiting a possible forty-year prison sentence but didn’t release it until Eliana was born. This story is for you Eliana, my Hummingbird!
Eliana arrived on her due date but was stuck at 6cm in the birth canal and suffered a brain injury due to a lack of oxygen. She was diagnosed with HIE, GRADE III (hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy most severe.) Her brain injury caused her to be blind, deaf, she couldn’t suck, cry, or even regulate her temperature. Eliana went through many surgeries during her first year of life and was fed through a feeding tube (g-button), had multiple respiratory issues, and required twenty-four hour around the clock care. I didn’t understand why back then, but I had a hard time bonding with her in the first few weeks of her life. I sat with my family day after day at the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) as she was put on a cooling pad, placed on an oscillator, and hooked up to machines and wires. Although my heart was grieving, I experienced joy as my daughter held her for the very first time, days after her birth. I loved her beyond measure but somehow felt disconnected. I suddenly realized I felt guilty, that I was somehow responsible for this! The devil convinced me her tragic birth injuries were my fault, I mean, the dates couldn’t have been a coincidence, could they?
After realizing I was letting my TOXIC past rob me of my future, I knew I had to make some changes to release the SHAME and GUILT. I decided to rewrite my book from a dark tone of blame and anger to a new tone of accountability and forgiveness. I made a conscious decision to FORGIVE myself for the accident and move forward with my life so I could enjoy the road ahead instead of constantly looking in the rear-view mirror. Me blaming myself for her birth injuries and grieving from the culpability I felt, forced me to make a pivot in my life to truly LIVE again.
We started calling Eliana our Hummingbird because when the oscillator machine did the breathing for her the first week of her life, her lungs fluttered very fast, like hummingbird wings. Every time she would get sick, go into the hospital, or have surgery, people on social media started posting pictures of hummingbirds on my profile to show their support for her. Her health started declining and after counseling with Hospice, my daughter and son-in-law made the incredibly painful decision to withdraw her meds and let her go. Sadly, on January 11, 2020, we said goodbye to our sweet girl as she transitioned into Heaven while taking her last breath in my daughters’ arms. Eliana had the very best parents any child could hope for and they loved her unconditionally. This was by far the hardest thing I have had to face to date.
I felt pain and grieved for my daughter and her loss and felt my pain from losing her as her grandma (Mimzy)!
There are no words, no memes, no counseling sessions or condolences that could take the pain of grief away from my heart, but I learned through my past adversity in life that we MUST grieve and heal from pain or it will eventually destroy us. As I was writing my book, I discovered writing was therapeutic and unleashed secrets to myself around painful issues I had never dealt with. Writing tapped inside my soul and exposed grief I had never gone through. Secrets from my past I had never shared started to emerge, abortion issues I never confronted surfaced, and the loss of my own identity during my domestic abuse hostage situation came to light. Grief in itself will kill our spirit, numb our tongues, and harden our hearts. I feel it is imperative we work through the heartache, confront the demon of pain, and allow our anger to be released constructively. For example, I had multiple abortions during my cocaine addiction and took a “hit” of cocaine going into the procedure and was picked up outside the clinic and took another hit immediately after. I never addressed the pain, instead, I stuffed it down with cocaine, Little Debbie snack cakes, or denial it ever happened.
I think denial was a way for me to be able to coexist with the pain of each abortion because had it been front and center, it would have eaten me alive like flesh-eating bacteria.
We all grieve differently and, in our timing, but we MUST allow ourselves the space to grieve and process or we will never feel free. Although I’m sad Eliana was only here four short years, she taught me so many lessons in life. She taught me
patience because her disabilities were severe, and you could not rush her care or her progress. She taught me the awareness of the disabled community by educating me on the necessity of handicap parking spaces, letting a wheelchair-bound person cut in line, and by allowing me to learn compassion through walking the walk with her. I am a better person because of my sweet little darling, she pushed me to be better every day. When I had fear of promoting my book, speaking my story on a stage, or being transparent with my wrongdoings, she was the light that guided me because I knew I had experiences to help others that weren’t able to help themselves, for one reason or another. She pushed me to do more for myself, take better care of myself and stop procrastinating because I lived through watching her fight every day to live, even though she could never do anything on her own. Eliana will be known as a superhero that was placed on Earth as a blessing, even though it is hard to see her death as such. I found victories to focus on instead of losses.
Life hurts, we all know it and go through it. Please give yourself space to be distracted, to cry anytime you feel like it, and to feel the anger. Permit yourself to feel guilty, mad, or even blameful over your pain. Allow ample time to process and plan for how your life will be different moving forward. Use writing to give your emotions a voice and as an outlet for your screams. Regardless of how you grieve, the point is YOU MUST. Do not pretend it doesn’t hurt, or pretend it didn’t happen or negate the validity of it because that only festers inside like an infection and will eventually spread and erupt in all areas of your life and well-being.
You can and will survive through loss, pain, or even shame and guilt. To survive my past, I learned to find the silver lining in every situation so I could focus on the positive instead of dwell on the negative. I learned to give a hand and use my life experiences to help ease
the suffering of others. Even though I am grieving Eliana being gone from this physical world, I smile with pride in knowing our hummingbird is flying high above the clouds with angel wings as she continues to sprinkle blessing on others with her life.
Find your drive to be better, to overcome adversity, to rise above the shame. Find the person you were intended to be and let a loss of a loved one be your driving force to be better because of them! I pray every time you see a hummingbird you think of Eliana and remember to be kind to others and fight for yourself as hard as she fought to live. I pray you to find comfort in her story and learn to use your pain as fuel to become a better version of you. Until we meet again my sweet girl, fly hummingbird, fly. -Mistie Layne
Mistie Layne is a Best-selling Author, Award-winning Speaker, Host Dare 2 Share with Mistie Layne talk show, Founder #BethatONE movement and the Write 2 Ignite Women’s Empowerment Retreat. Mistie is no longer hiding behind her secrets, her best selling book of “What Goes Up”, she shares her RAW TRUTH of how she went from a Beauty Queen to sporting black eyes. While at the doorstep of medical school and becoming a surgeon, adversity struck and she fell prey to a horrific cocaine addiction. After being attacked and robbed, she was in an accident that led to another. She plummeted to her rock bottom, now facing a forty-year prison sentence.
www.mistielayne.com Mistie_Layne @transparencymovement Mistie Layne
Write 2 Ignite Women’s Empowerment Retreats at www.mistielayne.com
Watch Dare 2 Share with Mistie Layne every T/Th @ 6pm CST on 360tv.com
Contact: Mistielayne@mistielayne.com
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